I agree there's a systemic issue here.
Mine's now fully updated... but in the interests of sharing info that may give others a boost / food for thought, I'll go through where I started and what I saw.
Long post...
Starting position
Firmware: 2828 (old)
Maps: 2021.3 (old)
Map attempt #1
Created SD card (exFAT) with the two folders and nothing else.
Write-protect switch set (dunno if this matters).
Put SD card in car.
Car sees SD card and says it's updating.
Went to Menu / System Information / update software.
Stayed at 0% forever.
Tried NTFS instead. Same story.
Gave up.
Weirdness #1
Took the SD card out.
Went to Menu/System Information/Update software.
It didn't complain that there was no SD card... just went to 0% and stayed there.
In other words,
exactly the same outcome whether there was a card inserted or not.
Weird... beginning to suspect my SD card reader.
Hmmm... #1
At this point I was stuck and didn't know what to do.
I had firmware 2838 but hadn't had the guts to attempt the update...
Firmware update attempt #1
Put the car on charge.
Got a large glass of neat rum and contemplated what could possibly go wrong.
Put firmware 2838 on the SD card and put the card in the slot.
Pressed and held 'menu' until the "service mode" menu appeared.
Took a deep breath and pressed "Software update/versions".
Unit rebooted into red engineering menu.
Panicked because the touch screen didn't work.
Relaxed when I realised you use the volume knob in the centre console to navigate.
Clicked on "Update".
SD1, SD2 and USB listed... all greyed out. None of them selectable.
Bailed on this attempt and rebooted to normal mode.
Hmmm... #2
The fact that I saw "USB" listed in the engineering menu made me wonder if that'd work for the firmware.
Time to dig out the USB SD card reader.
Firmware update attempt #2
Put the same firmware SD card in the USB reader.
USB reader in the USB port under the armrest.
Engineering menu, clicked on "Update"
SD1 and SD2 greyed out... USB in white! Woohoo!
Clicked that, it read the manifest... scroll through to see what it's going to do.
Right to the bottom, clicked update again and sat back and watched, hoping it wasn't going to brick my car.
Update completed successfully to 2838.
Sidebar
This works fine, but it'll throw a DTC in 5F.
To correct it: Summary of VAG-COM tweaks for the CR Touareg 2019 onwards
Position at this point
Firmware: 2838 (new)
Maps: 2021.3 (old)
Hmmm... #3
...Wonder if I can update the maps via USB instead?
Map attempt #2
SD card with maps on inserted into USB reader (same card as attempted above).
USB reader put into port under armrest.
Maps updated normally.
Hmmm... #4
...Would maps have worked via USB
before the firmware update? We'll never know.
Position
Firmware: 2838 (new)
Maps: 2022.1 (new)
Hmmm... #5
Wonder if the map update would work via SD card (not USB) now?
Push map SD card into reader.
Finds maps and offers to update them.
Cancelled out because I'd already updated them...
...but interesting that all of a sudden the SD card map update is working again.
Hmmm... #6
Now that the SD card slot seems to be working again, I wonder if the engineering menu can see it (for the firmware update)
Inserted SD card.
Went to red engineering menu.
SD card is now white and selectable (it wasn't in firmware attempt #1 above).
All of that stuff may or may not be useful. But it's very weird how a) USB worked when SD didn't, and b) SD now seems to be happy again.