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Couldn't start -- couldn't even try to start -- the '04 V6 Touareg this a.m. Most diagnostic systems shut down. Transmission locked in park with control panel lighting up: tire pressure kaput. ABS kaput. Brake system kaput. ... I suspect all actually working fine, but software system or some bloody electronic gizmo expired shutting down everything. At this moment mechanic is three hours into disassembling the dash. Did manage to disassemble the tranny cladding enough to free up the gear level to go into neutral while they pulled the car onto a flatbed to haul to a mechanic who says he understands VWs. Cringing at anticipating parts and labor bills; cringing even more at thought this may be a chronic system flaw, not a one-time deal.
Other than that, nice wheels. Or, as a wit once asked, Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how'd you like the play?
jholbert, juneau
Oh...and since the VW dealer who sold it here new later folded, and I bought it used (17K miles) but the same but now VW-less dealer, without buying some cockamammie aftermarket service contract, double scr----.
 

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I hate to say it, but it sounds like a low voltage condition. Typically, when all the crazy warnings go off at the same time, it is something related to voltage. They may trace it back to a bad battery. I'd certainly start the troubleshooting there, especially if it were on my dime.

Good luck,
Matt
 

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Try looking up the complete brain dead thread to see if it matches your symptoms. Many of us have had issues with the KESSY module and the keyless access systems in recent months.
 

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Couldn't start -- couldn't even try to start
. . . have you checked your battery? What looks like possible computer problems may just be a simple case of low battery voltage.
 

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A while ago, my 04 V6 had a 'computer meltdown' - it started, but was in "safe" 3rd gear, ABS warning, ESP warning, TPMS warning. Ended up being leaves and gunk in the bottom of the area where the ABS and ECU computers are, shorting out the ABS. I cleaned the gunk out, ran through a car wash, and viola. Make sure there isn't standing water in the compartment between the engine & passenger area.
 

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A while ago, my 04 V6 had a 'computer meltdown' - it started, but was in "safe" 3rd gear, ABS warning, ESP warning, TPMS warning. Ended up being leaves and gunk in the bottom of the area where the ABS and ECU computers are, shorting out the ABS. I cleaned the gunk out, ran through a car wash, and viola. Make sure there isn't standing water in the compartment between the engine & passenger area.
Had the same problem in November of 2008. After three days at local dealer, the system would not give them any code. They contacted Germany and after two more days, it was trace to the Start control module. The cost for replacement $1,500, parts and labor. Although it was out of warrenty, I contact VW service and express my dissatifaction with the VW brand. They ended up paying for half of the cost. Also after the part was replaced, they ran into programing issue. Again, Germany had to reprogram the whole car by remote access from Germany.
 
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